Stuck Like Glue literally
by NekoKayiaResaKeilor
Summary: Alfred's inventions are always awesome, there's no denying it. Unless you're a communist bastard that is. So when Ivan tries to ruin Alfred's fun and things get messy, Alfred takes no blame for any of the results. The Russian should have known better.
1. Amazing Invention

Stuck Like Glue (Literally)

Description: Alfred's inventions are always awesome, there is no denying it. Well, unless you're a communist bastard that is, nevermind the fact that Ivan is no longer communist anymore. And Russia had the nerve to doubt him and get them stuck in a predicament worse than death itself, for which Alfred would forever despise the bastards intrusion upon his genius. Because there's nothing about Ivan that makes him worth forgiving... Right?

Category:Humor/General Pairings: America/England Russia/China Russia/America

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><p>"The most amazing thing ever invented since time itself!" Alfred started dramatically as soon as he got to the podium to speak in the world meeting, carrying a cardboard box, "Because yours truly, the United States of Awesome has invented something that defies, like, math itself! I give you, the super awesome amazing American glue! Called Saaag." He said, taking the sealed container out of the box, "It's so amazing that once it sticks to something it's never coming off! It's just that amazing! Need to repair a spaceship or satellite and can't buy expensive parts? No problem! With Saaag you just slap some up on and problem fixed! Just. Like. That."<p>

The room was silent for all of ten seconds at the end of Alfred's speech, his idiocy blowing their minds once more. Arthur was the first to speak, his British accent coming out in a long sarcastic drawl, "Because all of your products are sooo Alfred. I'm sure this will last just as long as the marshmallow cannon did."

He loved the taller nation, he really did, but as of the beginning of the 21st century it seemed like all of his products had a rather short expiration date. Especially the furniture.

"No, but seriously, this is different! It'll revolutionize science and everything! It'll cost less then all sorts of stuff and once we get it stabilized then it'll be like silly putty I'm sure, which increases the awesome factor!"

Arthur shook his head, the giant pieces of fuzz over his eyes creasing. "Alfred, silly putty is a child's toy..."

"You're just jealous that I have the genius to come up with glue that can be used as silly putty." Alfred nodded, still grinning like an idiot, "Or will be in the near future..."

"Alfred if it's glue that will make absolutely anything stick forever it would be very dangerous for children to play with it."

The french-man across from Arthur nodded, for once actually agreeing with his on-again off-again nemesis. "It is already probably too dangerous for you to play with Amerique."

"No dude, not now, it's still being tested, I said when it stabilized then we make it into silly putty. And it's not just for children, grown up play with it too. Good for the hand muscles like video games!" He said, giving a thumbs up, "So don't worry about a thing!"

From across the room Ivan chuckled, and Alfred narrowed his eyes in challenge towards the sound. The Russian smiled childishly at the blonde and addressed the room. "I do not think we have to worry about Alfred damaging is own people with his project, as pleasurable as that would be. I doubt he has actually managed to create a working invention in the first place, it always takes him so many test runs to even come close to succeeding and lately his people have been so Lazy..."

Some of the other nations even nodded at what Russia said, it did make some sense. And Alfred couldn't harm their countries with it until he'd gotten around to harming his own people, so it left them with less worries. The only person who had a dissenting thought who was willing to speak up for him was Canada, but nobody heard him, and anyone else who would stick up for Alfred  
>weren't about to disagree with Russia over glue of all things.<p>

Alfred narrowed his eyes further, "When this goes on the market, you so will not be allowed to buy any!"

"Because I'd really want to buy any of your inferior products Alfred." Alfred pretended he hadn't heard Ivan speak continuing with the speech he already had prepared in his head.

"And for your information it does work, we've been testing it for a while. And my people are not lazy and neither am I! But this product will be better than anything you could come up with and make, you commie bastard."

"I take offense to that!" China piped in, "Ivan is not even communist anymore, so you are insulting me and my brother when you say that Aru!"

"But I was talking to him!" Alfred said, pointing an accusing finger at the said asshole.

"Well you shouldn't insult him either, we are supposed to be in a civilized meeting! Now stop being so childish aru!"

Arthur scowled at the Chinaman, "It's not as if the brute didn't insult Alfred's entire civilization first. He has the right to throw a jab in there to stick up for himself even if it is a silly unpolitically correct and foolish nickname developed several centuries ago."

"Was I just defended or insulted more?" Alfred asked, furrowing his eyebrows, only to be ignored as China glared at England.

"No, he doesn't have any right to do anything of the such, aru. Ivan brought up reasonable points about Alfred and his people to put us all at ease at Alfred's stupidity." Yao said, crossing his arms, "All Alfred did was make pointless, offensive comments that led us nowhere."

"Hey! Okay, you can insult my intelligence and my brilliant comebacks, but you can't ignore me!" Alfred yelled.

Arthur waved a hand at Alfred like he was a little kid trying to interupt mommy and daddy and not his lover. "Hold on Alfred, Yao and I are having a discussion now."

Alfred huffed, sticking his bottom lip out in a pout, "B-but my glue..."

"I think this discussion is over, It is clear that there is nothing more to argue." China sniffed, "It is clear who is in the right, aru."

Arthur glared, "An argument takes two China, and it ends by consent of two. Besides, you certainly aren't right if that's what you were thinking, just because your Ivan's slut doesn't mean you have the right to insult Alfred just because they're enemies."

"Oh sNAp." Alfred said, "And the little angry Brit makes an insult, what will the commie female do next?"

"Slut aru?" Yao asked enraged, standing up, "I am not Ivan's slut!"

"Well nobody could love Ivan, so unless he's paying you I can't see how else." Alfred said, shrugging, then furrowed his brows, "Huh, actually that would explain like a lot."

"How dare you both! I am not anybodies slut-"

Arthur interrupted with a haughty smirk that reminded Spain of the man's pirating days, "Oh, surely the Chink doth protest too much. Alfred voiced exactly what I was thinking, and you used to give quite a bit of yourself away or don't you remember the Open Door Policy?" Alfred decided to watch for a bit, he liked it when Arthur turned kind of badass. He glanced across the table to see Ivan sitting back and watching the show, small manipulative grin on the others smug face. Bastard probably planned this. And thinking about how to further use this against him!

Despite Alfred's paranoia, Ivan's mind was only half focused on the argument in front of him, his thoughts in a calm state of multitasking. His main priority for tonight was his shopping list. He couldn't seem to remember how many bottles of vodka were situated in his hotel room at the moment or how many he had already drank, knowing he should probably stop by a liquor store after the meeting let out. He could get some at the hotel but eventually they would cut him off. So how many was it? One... Two... Three... There was the ones he'd stored under the bathroom sink and... He'd drank the one on the nightstand right? So that made eight... nine...

"Oh? If I recall I was not the one who slept with half the world while in your more rebellious days.

"At least I always topped! Not like you, the feminine little porcelain doll trying to hold an argument with a real man."

"There's a real man in this argument?" Alfred muttered quietly, not really wanting to attract attention for like the first time in his life. Though the sex would probably be worth it if Arthur stayed in this mood.  
>"H-How dare you! You only topped because you forced yourself upon them! And you call yourself a gentleman aru!"<p>

Britain's grin had turned into a vicious sneer, "I am. I always had them begging for it by the time I climaxed, so they got to know the pleasure of my dominance. Even you cried out for more, but then, you would."

"Okay, I don't need to know who you've been with before Arthur." Alfred muttered, even if it was kind of hot when the shorter blond put it that way.

China blushed in anger and embarrassment, "H-how dare you! That was a lon- I mean, that never happened aru! And are you saying that Spain was even willing? That is a blatant lie!"

"Well why don't we ask him?" England asked as he looked around the room. "Where is the bloody wanker anyway? If he won't settle this dispute..."

France moved away from where he was talking to Prussia with a suave smile, "Antonio ran when he saw this magnificent persona of your coming out Angleterre."

Arthur scowled, "Well bring him here then."

"I'd rather be the one to come to you Britain." France purred, sidling in closer.

"Hey, back off Frenchie." Alfred growled, glaring.

"Antonio is clearly scared of when you raped him, aru!" China accused.

"Or when I destroyed his ships." the Brit replied, not even seeming to notice France slowly inching toward him, smiling wickedly at Alfred. "Back off of what mon cherie?"

"You know perfectly what!" Alfred growled.

"He would have gotten over a few ships by now." Yao scoffed.

The Frenchman laughed and groped at Arthur only to be beaten so hard he flew across the room. "I beat him and left him stranded in the middle of the ocean isn't that traumatizing enough?"

Alfred smirked as Francis hit the wall, planning his own revenge for later, oh shiny thing. Alfred looked outside in fascination, "Perhaps." Yao said, "But that doesn't change the fact you are a whore."

Arthur laughed, "No, it's called a player. I top, which is socially acceptable for having multiple relationships. You bottom which makes you either a slut or a whore."

Ivan finished his count of vodka bottles, before standing to join the argument himself. "Do not listen to him Yao. He was once great, but he is now simply America's little boy toy. He insults you because he feels his own male parts have grown inadequate."

Yao looked somewhat relieved at the taller man's words, nodding in agreement as he sneered at Arthur, "So true."

"Hey, back off Russia." Alfred snapped, "Stay out of it if it's none of your business!"

Ivan smiled his childish smile and tilted his head to the side, "It is my business when someone insults my lover, and Arthur could use some humble pie. He grows far too cocky."

"Now I know it's none of your business as to how Arthur acts. Nor do you have the right to say that sort of stuff either, you bastard!" It seemed another pissing contest was already starting in the conference room when the one between China and Arthur had been all but forgotten.

Ivan chuckled, "I have the right to say whatever I please boy. You have no control over me."

"What, you want me to change that? Cause we can fight any time Braginski, you know I'd win. I'm right about everything, especially this. I'm just that amazing!"

"Not really, you're rather droll and predictable most times."

"Predictable? You call this predictable?" Alfred said, gesturing at himself, "Well, if being heroic amazing, able to combat everything and anything, invent anything in the world, do things that people say is impossible, dream big and still have time to insult your stupid face is predictable. Then yes, I suppose I am exactly that."

Ivan sat back a cocky smirk across his face, "Alfred, even your little speech right now is extremely predictable. As predictable as your failure to even produce working glue."

"My glue works perfectly, just like I said!" Alfred said, narrowing his eyes, "And don't you dare use my human name, Ivan." His lips curled around the name in a snarl, as if muttering the most disgusting word in existence.

The larger nation licked his lips, sharp canine teeth showing over the top of his mouth as he grinned, really grinned, and met Alfred's eyes in challenge. "Well Jones I don't suppose you'd actually be willing to prove that goo actually has a chance of being useful."

Eyes narrowing further, he knew he shouldn't, it was still being stabilized and everything, but to beat Ivan's smug, stupid face, it would be worth it. Then he came up with a brilliant idea, a smirk coming over his face, eyes becoming challenging, "Okay, Braginski, if you really want to prove me wrong. If my experiment really is crap, then prove it." Alfred said, picking the glue up out of the box, "Put it on your hand and touch something."

Ivan returned Alfred's smug facial expression walking around the table and toward Alfred, palm held open in front of him. "Alright then, I accept your challenge."

Alfred shook his head, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth, "No, without your glove on." The blonde insisted.

The Russian slipped the fabric off of his hand and held it out once more, "There. Are you satisfied?" He asked, not really caring if he pleased Alfred or not, but wanting to enact the idea slowly forming within his mind.

"With you? Never." It was true, if Ivan was around, everything became somehow worst. Still, soon, very soon his revenge would be taken! He undid the seal on the Saaag glue, tipping it up and pouring some on Ivan's hand, not too much, but a generous amount. He closed the cap, careful not to get any on himself, looking at the slightly taller man expectantly.

Ivan glanced at the gloppy mess in his hand, flexing his fingers and letting it slide around a bit before holding it out to Alfred, "Hey, America. I believe you." He lied with a smile, "How about you shake my hand you little winner."

Only Alfred would be stupid enough to fall for something like this before the glue had even dried, but since it was Alfred Ivan figured it was worth a try. And when a bright smile split across Alfred's face, it was clear he was fooled by the stroke to his pride.

"See! I knew even you'd come around!" He said, slapping his hand against Ivan's in a handshake. And then a moment later he froze, staring at Ivan with wide, disbelieving eyes, as if just realizing what exactly he had just done, "W-what?" Alfred asked, looking horrified, still too frozen to even comprehend moving.

Alfred's nemesis grinned with the accomplishment of his (in Alfred's eyes) notoriously evil scheme. He tried to pull his hand away, slight surprise showing when the glue failed to give immediately. "Well look at what we have here. It seems your glue can actually stick."

"You fucking idiot! What did you just do!" Alfred yelled, like it was Ivan's fault, left fist curling in a ball as he glared as he tried to swing at the taller, though it was harder since it wasn't his dominant hand.

"I tested your glue." Was the simple response to Alfred's dumb question. It was pretty obvious what Ivan had done.

"No, no, no, no." Alfred said, putting his foot on Ivan's stomach and pulling his arm, trying to get loose, "No, no, don't stick, don't dry." Panic starting to come over him at the thought that he might be stuck to his enemy for the rest of eternity.

Ivan frowned as he tried to tug away from Alfred as well, but their right hands remained clasped, only their fingers having the freedom to move. "Alfred... You're stupid glue is... It's working." He said, voice holding something that was a mix between desperation and anger. Alfred could not actually be stuck to him. The man's idiocy would drive him insane.

"No shit Sherlock, I told you it did. It's not like I haven't tested it!" This is what Ivan got for disbelieving him, but he shouldn't be punished too, karma didn't need to get back at him for anything! "Now get off, get off, get off!" He wanted the glue not to dry, it couldn't be dry, sure it dried really super quick, but he just couldn't be stuck like this!

"Do you think I'm not trying? I don't want to be stuck to YOU of all people."

"The feeling is mutual, so put your back into it and pull!" Alfred hissed.

And Ivan did, he really did try, but nothing happened. Their skin didn't even tear, as if the glue had decided it wouldn't even grant them that privilege. They were truly stuck. Stuck like glue.

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><p><strong>Resakeilor: And that is the end of the beginning. <strong>

**NekoKayia: Look another update x3**

**Resakeilor: Yep~ And Ivan and Alfred are stuck together now. What terrible tricks fate (and their own stupidity) plays on them.**

**NekoKayia: Honestly, I don't know who is stupider, Alfred or Ivan.**

**Resakeilor: Why not ask the readers? What do ya'll think? Let the debate begin.**

**NekoKayia: ...I hope nobody answers. You are to enthusiastic sometimes...**

**Resakeilor: I pick team Alfred!**

**NekoKayia: *wears team Ivan shirt* Yes, I went there xD**

**Resakeilor: Aright, seeya peoples! Tell us what you think while I fight an epic battle with Neko over which sexy male Hetalia character is more intelligent, hot, etc.**

**NekoKayia: Or don't, up to you, but comments are always loved~  
><strong>

**B**


	2. Bodyguards for China

**ResaKeilor: I know present to you, chapter 2.**

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><p>Ivan glared at the blond sitting next to him in the booth with that idiotic bubbly smile on his face. He wondered if the American even realized that the expression on his face verged on blissful ignorance of any of the world's intellect or if it just came naturally. Ivan himself rarely held a facial expression he had not carefully calculated and when he smiled it usually hid things inside of him that would petrify many of the other nations if he were to make his ideas and feelings on said ideas known.<p>

At the moment his own face was carefully stoic as he listened to the younger nation blather on. It seemed Alfred had been upset for all of ten minutes before China, Ivan's foolish lover had asked a question about the longevity of the invention and how it worked and Alfred had moved from wanting to kill Ivan to beaming victoriously at the proof of his "heroicness". When Ivan found a way to become unattached from America and get a moment alone with his lover he was going to fuck the man so hard that...

"Hey fuck-face," Alfred snapped, "You can at least pretend to pay attention!" He said, "It is about your stupid-ass trick after all." He said, not really noticing the shiver that ran down Yao's spine as though in in premonition of not being able to walk with Ivan's stare.

Ivan shook his head and turned to stare Alfred down once more, "It was your glue. I feel it is your responsibility to fix it."

From across the table Arthur sighed, holding his forehead in both hands. "Can't the two of you at least _try_ to act like mature adults until this issue is resolved?"

"Like you can talk." China sniffed.

"Tell that to the jackass, not me. And for your information, if you hadn't questioned me then we wouldn't be in this mess!" Alfred hissed.

"If you hadn't brought in an unstable experiment without some ready made solution to get rid of it we would not have to worry about a simple practical joke." Ivan replied.

Arthur leaned away from Yao as if disgusted by the man, "Oh as if you're one to lecture me. You can't even speak with a voice of your own, you sensor every thought you have that's worth speaking."

"At least I am not as crude as you are aru!" China said.

"No, you just let every other country walk all over you because you can't say the word no."

"No, because nothing would have happened! I wouldn't have used it if not for your disbelief!"

The Russians voice was cold, and nearly mocking, "There would have been no disbelief if you hadn't brought it to the meeting to brag about an invention you had not yet even perfected."

"I can say no as often as I want, especially to a brute like you." Yao said.

"Oh sure," Arthur replied sarcastically tossing his head cockily as he swiped loose locks of hair from over his eyes. "But careful, if you say it too fiercely your government might fine you."

"No, because you just shouldn't have doubted me! It's not like I hadn't tried it. You name it, wood, metal, random objects, animals...it didn't hurt the animals, those were the last tests when it was sure not to be hazardous, I swear! They died of old age...well kind of. One did?" Alfred said, suddenly looking guilty rather than indignant.

"You killed animals to test your glue? I thought that was illegal in America."

"At least my government is good aru, instead of having a false figurehead of a 'queen'." He sniffed.

"No you just have your emperor who doesn't want to hear anything anyone else has to say. How childish."

"No, the glue didn't kill them! It just sort of...erm...it was kind of scarring actually so I'd rather forget about it. It would have been better if they had just died. After a while, we put the other down so it wouldn't have to suffer. We kind of glued a cat to a dog and um...the cat had a smaller lifespan and even after death it didn't come off...and then the maggots started coming and yeah...Poor dog."

Yao and Arthur both stopped arguing vaguely hearing what Alfred had said and staring at him in horror while Ivan shook his head, sneering in disgust. "That sounds like one of your stupid horror movies."

"I know, that's why it was scarring okay! So just drop it. Don't you have any respect for the dead?" Alfred demanded, oblivious to the stares.

"I am not so hungry anymore aru..." Yao muttered. "Ivan, you will of course, take me back to my room."

Arthur looked like he was turning green, which was surprising considering what her fed himself everyday and managed to keep down. "I don't feel too well. Alfred you should walk me back to my house."

Alfred looked at Arthur, smiling, "Okay!" He said, but then his face darkened, "But we're going to have to kill Ivan first." Then a thought, "But wait, I don't want maggots...Never mind, Ivan you can come."

Ivan shook his head, frowning as his eyes moved from Yao to Alfred, "Nyet. We are escorting China back to the hotel."

"What? No, I don't want to take China home. I want to take Artie!"

"But Arthur is in less danger going by himself." Russia responded reasonably, stepping closer to his boyfriend.

"What? And Yao is?" Alfred asked, raising a brow questioningly.

"Yes, he looks like a beautiful woman, he is more likely to be attacked."

". . .true, so good reason to go with Iggy."

Ivan sighed, shaking his head like an adult trying to explain things to an ignorant child. "No. Arthur would not have to fear rapists."

"But you just said he looked like a beautiful woman! True, and creepy coming from you, yes. But that's not the point at the moment!"

"No. I said Yao looks like a beautiful woman." Ivan corrected. "Not Arthur."

"Huh? Oh I guess he does too..." Alfred said thoughtfully.

"And Arthur is British, it's far less likely that he will be raped than Yao who looks like a beautiful Asian female."

"Ha-ha, so true, Arthur is too British to get raped." Alfred laughed cheerfully.

Ivan in turn chuckled at Alfred's easy agreement to his statement, while Yao and Arthur stared at the two in horror. It was so easy to play on American stereotypes, and it was cause for such amusement, especially considering how adamantly Alfred proclaimed his countries dislike of prejudice.

Yao scowled unhappily at the one thing the two enemies seemed able to agree on and shook his head, "No aru! I am not feminine, any Chinese male would be glad to have my physique!"

Alfred stared blankly at China before bursting out laughing, "That's terrible! Then again I remembered when I used to ride on your shoulders like you were a pack mule, do you remember that? Ah, The Chinese are so weird."

Yao scowled turning up his nose in distaste, "You Americans are so rude. England should have taught you manners when you were still young instead of playing with you like some kind of living toy."

Alfred glared angrily, "Hey, I can be polite if I want! But why would I to you? I mean seriously, that's just ridiculous."

"And his incorrigible manners are hardly my fault!" Added Britain with a scowl, "He developed those all on his own!" Not to mention he resented being called a pedophile even if it wasn't openly enough that Alfred understood it. He hadn't had too many thoughts about America when he was younger…

Ivan moved forward and grabbed Yao's hand, "Don't listen to those fools, they will ruin our walk home." Ivan stated as he slipped an arm around the Chinese man's slender waist, ignoring the fact that for all intensive purposes he had been the one to start this argument moving to pull both America and China in the direction he wanted to go.

Yao smiled a bit, blushing and nodding in agreement, "Yes, you are right aru."

"Right, whatever, but you two can't like make out or anything, I think I'd have to shoot myself in the face...no, I'd shoot Ivan first, then myself. Yeah, that sounds better."

What a pity, Ivan rather liked the first idea Alfred had presented. Pulling Yao into a passionate kiss, and then, as the petite Asian man clung desperately to him Alfred turning the barrel of his revolver on his own face, the bullet shattering skin and bone, his blood and brains painting him and his lover as they proceeded to make love, bathed in the gore of his enemy. Red smears in Yao's ebony hairs, and over his cheeks as his face contorted in pleasure...

Well, that would be added to his list of sadly unfulfilled fantasies, he smiled innocently at Alfred and tilted his head to the side, "How mean, you would shoot me for kissing my lover?"

Alfred basked in the victory of Ivan internally fearing for his life, the older would never come out and say it, but it was pretty obvious from his statement. Alfred smirked, "Yes, yes I would. Cause it's gross."

Ivan shook his head, "Yao is right, you are quite rude. Denying me my little pleasures for your own selfish reasons."

Alfred committing suicide just wouldn't seem to leave his mind after the first comment... It was playing on a loop with various kinds of guns, torture devices, and even a spoon. But if he killed Ivan first there just wouldn't be any pleasure in it. Maybe they could reach a compromise? He would promise to commit suicide himself if Alfred did so first. Not that he would keep his promise, but it was worth a try. Maybe after they found the solution to this glue problem, so Russia wouldn't have to go around with pieces of a corpse attached to his right hand.

"Whatever, I can do whatever I want." Alfred said childishly, sticking his tongue out at Ivan before looking at Arthur, hugging the smaller man happily, "Goodbye Arthur, don't get mugged, I know you won't get raped 'cause you're British and everything, but I'll see you tomorrow~"

Ivan took Yao's hand, stepping out the door with the two nations, "Goodbye Arthur~ I hope you break a leg."

That was how the American expression went, right? Something about snapping bones having to do with good luck.

"Bastard." Alfred hissed angrily, "You'll pay for that."

Ivan tilted his head and smiled innocently, "Pay for what?"

Narrowing his eyes, the blonde scoffed, "Like you don't know."

"I honestly don't." Ivan replied, "All I did was use the American expression for good luck."

"No, that's 'break a leg' not 'I hope you break a leg' god, don't you see the difference?"

"Ummm. No not really."

"Well that' because you're a stupid commie. And a bastard...and an asshole."

Well, if the American was going to be rude he might as well say something he knew Alfred would find rude as well. "And you, happen to be fat."

Alfred stared at the other in something akin to horror and despair before morphing quite quickly into a bitter anger, "What did you just say?" Alfred asked, his voice dropping several levels into a dark cold that promised death and despair.

Ivan smiled innocently and tilted his head to the side, "What Alfred? Don't tell me you didn't notice the bulge of fat sticking out over the top of those ill fitting jeans?"

Pulling his gun out and pulling the hammer back, he had it pointed at the stupid, fat, communist, childish face in about a second flat. Glaring darkly, "Say that again."

"Your belly jiggled when you pulled the gun out!" Ivan said chuckling darkly, he'd kill the Americans self-esteem while he could.

Alfred pulled the trigger, unfortunately it didn't even hit the fucking bastards big nose, and instead it rebounded way more than it should have, shooting over the man's head completely.

Ivan laughed a deep throated mocking laugh that didn't fit with the sweet smile on his face, "Well you're aim certainly hasn't gotten better since the last time I saw you shoot. It seems overeating affects your brain as well as your stomach."

Alfred glared at the gun this time and the hand that held it before trying to hit Ivan over the head, bullets deemed useless, "Shut your fat, fucking, communist mouth."

"Alfred?" Russia continued mocking the man, both eyebrows raised. "Are you even trying to hit me?"

"Y-yes!" The blonde said, feeling despair as he glared at the hand holding his gun and hung his head. He just couldn't use his left hand at all.

"Your aim was better the last time we fought."

"Shut up! You know why that is? Because I could fucking use my dominant hand you ass!" Alfred yelled, shoving the gun into his pocket angrily.

Ivan chuckled, "Oh. Really?"

"Yes really okay! This," Alfred waved his right hand attached to Ivan's in the air, "was my dominant hand. How many times do I have to repeat myself?"

"I just thought you might be ambidextrous." Ivan replied with an evil smirk, eyeing Alfred's now dubbed useless limb. "I am."

"You bastard!" Alfred said, actually jealous - for once - that Ivan could do something he couldn't. He kicked the other in the shin, at least able to do that.

Ivan chuckled, "You're such a-" He paused, noticing the one thing that could stop him from insulting his enemy in this moment. "Where is my Yao?"

While the two of them had been arguing once again, Yao had been pulled into an alley by four men, one having a knife pressed to the countries throat, two holding China's arms and legs spread apart. His pants were off and at that moment they were all marveling at how it was a dude - not a chick - that they had kidnapped with the intent to rape.

Ivan glared fiercely at the men who would dare interrupt his, admittedly, amusing argument with Alfred and take his lover for deviant means. His aura turned heavy, laden down with his anger and dropping to a dark violet. If nothing else they would certainly pay for touching the man he favored having warm his bed.

"Ha," Alfred said, slightly amused, Yao really _was _a dude, "Dude Ivan-" He looked over to see the others look and stopped short. Riiiiight, maybe he'd insult Ivan later, "We should totally save him." He changed instantly.

Ivan nodded, dragging Alfred forward with him as he went to aid his lover, pulling the American off his feet as he went in, ready for the kill.

"Ah dude, slow down, let me run on my own!" Alfred complained as he was quite literally dragged into saving somebody.

The large Russian ignored his captive, hoisting Alfred into the air and swinging him like an overly large club into the first assailant he came across. Alfred's feet splitting the mans skull open as he dropped to the ground.

"Oh, fucking hot sauce on shit, what was that for?" Alfred yelled angrily, "You can use your other hand!"

Ivan swung Alfred back the other way, taking out two more of the men. "This is easier."

"No it isn't! Let me down!" He yelled.

So Ivan listened, letting Alfred down on top of the last man to threaten his lover after the others had all tumbled onto the pavement.

Alfred huffed, a bit sore at how parts of his body were hit by people's head, "I'm so fucking killing you when you're sleeping. You deserve such a death." The blond continued to mutter under his breath curses and sadistic was to kill Ivan, each one growing worse than the last one.

"Ivan!" Yao said, running to his lover and wrapping his arms around the tall nation, "Thank you! I was so scared!"

Ivan hugged the feminine Asian tightly to himself, planting little kisses on his cheeks and head as he ignored Alfred. "It is okay, I am sorry they got so close to you, the idiot was distracting me. I'll never let it happen again."

Yao nodded, holding Ivan closely, still upset, "Good aru! I can't believe that those scum touched me!"

Ivan cradled the feminine nation, shaking his head remorsefully, "I cannot believe it either. Alfred's foolishness almost cost me you..."

Yao nodded a bit, just holding onto Ivan as he trembled with the relief of his freedom.

"Oh yeah, _my _foolishness," Alfred glared. "God, my back! Fucking bastard, you're paying me reparations for this!"

The Russian let out a laugh, shaking his head. "Hardly Alfred. You should be satisfied you could do your part to help."

"Help? HELP? Being swung around like a fucking object of your use is not helping! That's harming! Use your actual weapon next time, that's what it's there for! I am so killing you in your sleep for this!"

Russia shrugged, not putting to much merit on this claim considering how much of a hassle his corpse would be for the lazy nation. "Then my decomposing corpse will be attached to you while my restless spirit haunts your body~" Ivan said with a smirk, he wouldn't mind being a ghost if it meant making Alfred his bitch. It would be fun to continuously scare the other man witless.

Alfred paled slightly, "W-whatever! I could totally defeat an evil communist ghost!"

Ivan chuckled, "Are you sure? Isn't that always what the heroes in your movie believe in the beginning?"

"No, they don't even know they're being haunted, like idiots. And then they run around, trying to save their boyfriends or whatever who are usually bastards anyway. _That _is how it normally goes!"

"And after they find out there is a ghost? They hunt it and die trying to do something stupid like free it's soul."

"N-no! Well okay yes, if it's a nice ghost, but then they don't die as often! They usually try running and hiding from the ghost, but it doesn't work and they die, usually trying to save those they love. Dude, these are _my_ horror movies, I know them better then you do!"

"The people in them are pathetic no matter how you look at them."

"You know what, fuck off, because if you are criticizing them then that means you must have watched them!"

"C-Can we go home now Ivan? I don't want a repeat of what happened..." Yao said nervously.

Ivan stopped arguing, turning to Yao with that childish smile of his and hugging the Asian man. China was much more important than America's stupidity. "Of course. Let us get you home now~"

Alfred simply glared as the argument was interrupted, not saying anything as they started walking towards where China was staying, the feminine man still held by Ivan as they walked. Then suddenly, Alfred realized something, freezing in horror, "Wait...if we're stuck like this then that means we have to sleep together."

* * *

><p><strong>Resa Keilor: Wow, Yao is such a wuss, needing bodyguards to take him home. But I guess you can't carry a wok everywhere.<strong>

**NekoKayia: You act like we don't control the situation or characters x3**

**Resa Keilor: We don't. They control us. *nods* Someday all will be one~**

**NekoKayia: Riiiiiiiiiiight, whatever you say.**

**Resa Keilor: LOL, well it doesn't matter anyway. Yao isn't supposed to be very likeable in this story. I just worry that he's a little OC because china can be manly... Kind of...**

**NekoKayia: Author warning, ha!: This chapter contained a somewhat OC China.**

**Resa Keilor: Well, that fixes it. Ummm, thank you mindless peons for your viewership. Please review, and I hope you enjoyed chapter 2.**


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